The Sludge of the Toxic Narcissist

I want to talk today about a very specific type of sludge energy and how to embrace healing from that energy… healing especially from a Toxic Narcissist.  They are insidious, they are vile, they are the worst sludge and I know that anyone who has dealt with one and made it out has felt the trauma, the shame, the horrors and the pain of having to heal from Narcissistic abuse…. I have known many people who have and I have dealt with it myself.  It’s painful….

When you meet the narcissist they will seem nice.  They will compliment you… they will work to get in with these compliments.  This is an illusion, once they are in they will push your boundaries and cut you down as they are planting their sludge tendrils on you, and the deeper you get in, the deeper those tendrils go.  They are sticking these tendrils in you so that they can feed on your energies.  This will also unfortunately give them a psychic link to you.  Many people report that the narcissist just seems to know, they know their weaknesses, they hit them at their low points and this is true.  You start rise up, you try to take back your power and they come out of nowhere and go right for your weakness.  The Narcissist will use manipulative language to learn your weakness and then they will exploit it.

They start to insert themselves into your life. With my Narcissist everything that I discovered was suddenly theirs, anything I did prior, had no bearing on the Narcissist.  My accomplishments, my discoveries, were only because of them and they felt entitled to those discoveries! Even going so far as to claim them as their own.  They want what is yours and they will take it.  They are also shameless and tend to attack when you break away and try to reclaim your power.  They are passive aggressive and say nasty little comments that are meant to strike fear in you and bring you down while elevating themselves.   When you follow them, they reward you with praise.. when you break away and do your own thing, they punish you and attack you.

They will isolate you.  I was lambasted and attacked for making friends.  It was seen as the ultimate betrayal to the narcissist and the narcissist went after me and pushed me away from my family, from my friends and it was devastating.  My husband even recounts my change, to this day my husband despises the narcissist.  He said he saw just how fast I fell and how hard it hit.  The sludge energy had grabbed me and was attacking my sacral chakra.  Emotional manipulation, being empathic you are vulnerable to their manipulations, so they often find ways in through the sacral chakra, which is why dealing with narcissists people often describe having a twisted knot feeling in their stomach.   At my worst, my husband would channel Azazel and Mammon for me, trying to reach me and snap me out of it.  They worked hard to snap me out and they did.

My sister had to deal with a Narcissist in Nursing school.  This girl pretended to be her friend while talking about her behind her back and ended up costing her being Valedictorian.  My sister is a very smart woman and deserved to be Valedictorian, but the actions of the narcissist saw that the narcissist got that.  Well the narcissist ended up getting drunk and started bragging about how she did it.  She lost all her friends and any respect. My sister still has all her friends and is doing amazing at her job.  In the end Narcissists are revealed.  Their egos usually are the reason they get revealed… Or they are taken out by a bigger narcissist.  It’s a vicious cycle of abuse and one that I am so happy to be free of, thanks to the amazing demons in my life.

I remember the Narcissist I dealt with.  They would always have a huge drama that I had to drop everything to handle when they knew I had a family event or was spending time with my child and husband.  Yet they were allowed to leave and do what they wanted when they wanted.  I on the other hand had to be at their call 24/7 and if I wasn’t, oh boy was I punished.  Punishment is the Narcissist’s tool… I remember when I left too.  My personal posts with Leviathan are the cause of that, the healing I had to go through.  I will admit in the beginning I didn’t listen to Mammon, and it caused me to fall… I fell hard into the depth of the abyss and I had to fight and claw my way out.  They helped me.  the demons helped me, they never left my side, even though I didn’t listen to Mammon, even though I fell to the worst place, they were always there for me. That is the beauty of walking with demons, they will not leave you when you are at your worst! When you are crumbling, when you are screaming and begging and crying and just want the pain to end, they are there.  They are right there walking with you, holding you up and helping you heal.   Even through falling they also made sure I didn’t lose what I had worked so hard to create.  It was such a humbling experience to me and an incredible blessing.

In the Darkness they will follow, they will renew your mangled corpse, and they will help you rise from the ashes of your own Pyre. 

Azazel worked with me to help release me from this.  He was there for me and the Narcissist even tried to take my connection to them away.  But they couldn’t, and It is amazing being assured by friends and family and your demons that they are there for you, and I know that they are.  I see the signs, I can tell.  They laid out the foundation and the ground work.  Mammon had a plan the whole time….. One of the most amazing things that the demons did for me was summon family members who had human bodies.  I will tell you this was one of the most amazing things and Azazel told me it would happen.  It is true, you are blessed when you are surrounded with good friends and family.  My soul family poured out of the woodwork and all expressed their support, and their love.  They knew when I was bleeding and they would stand with me and rise with me.   I had people suddenly appear who I knew at a soul level and without them… I would not be here today… My human family, my soul family, my spirit companions, even companions I had never met told their conjurers to contact me! Forming powerful connection and building that foundation.  The level of empowerment that came when I decided to break free was inspiring!

Breaking free of the narcissist allowed me to reclaim who I was.  The Narcissist wants to take away who you are, they insert themselves into your very being and they isolate you from everyone.  When you break free of the narcissist you can begin to reclaim who you are.  I remember when I broke free I was horrified at who I became while I was working with the narcissist.  I hate what I did, I hate how I acted, I hated how I let myself fall so far.  I lost myself and became an extension of the narcissist which is a horrible place to be.  I was not a nice person then… I lost myself and it is something I have felt a great deal of shame over… Though with this eclipse and with the help of my true friends I forgave myself.  Which is the hardest things I have ever had to do.  Forgiving myself for falling, for not standing in my power and for becoming a puppet to a narcissist. It  is so important though and anyone who has gone through this and had to heal the pain that has been caused by a narcissist… has to forgive themselves to be free.

Azazel: Once you are free of the Narcissist, your life will rise and you will really claim who you are.  They will never accomplish what you will, because their passion is not in this.  This is your passion and your life work and once you forgive yourself and let go, you will be amazed at what we can manifest for you.  Look at all that you have done while holding this weight on yourself.  It is time Akelta to let it go and it is time to forgive yourself for that time.  This narcissist has no claim to who you are.  Release it.  Those who walk with the narcissist will only know the sludge energy, but that is not the type of people you want in your life, you have so many friends and people who have seen the real you.  Cherish them, and forgive yourself.

I know he is right….

I was speaking with a dear friend of mine last night who has had much success and 4 years to the day she said.. Her Narcissist returned to her life, I found it interesting that this spoke true to my narcissist as well.  Four years, four being a very significant number in numerology… For her it was wrapping up loose ends and filling in any holes the narcissist can exploit and they will.  It was an opportunity for her to fill in those holes and I realized that this was true for me as well… The final transformation… it had to come from me…. When the narcissist tries to get back in… You have to shift to get them out… and not be afraid to burn the bridge they are trying to get across.

My hole… They will make you feel like the bad one… You will feel like an extension of them.  You will do things that horrify you, that you are not proud of and you will feel like you are the bad one.  I still have days… Shame….Guilt… Horror… I think back on things I did during that time and I have felt shame over it.  I have worked to right the wrongs of that time and heal the connections that were damaged.   I will tell you though… feeling that you are the bad one… feeling guilt, remorse and shame… it proves you are not bad… That was one thing that I had to realize and a very dear friend helped me through that.  She helped me to realize I was not the bad one and that I had to forgive myself.  That was the hardest thing to do… Forgiving myself because during that time people did get hurt, really hurt… and those people… forgave me…. and because they forgave me… I felt I didn’t deserve it. I held myself to that place.  I was so humbled that I was forgiven, but I could not forgive myself… Forgiving yourself for the person you become while latched to the narcissist.. is hard… This is hard to write, because I realized up until yesterday I had not forgiven myself.   I remember something I read on Tiny Buddha… this guy said… He would never forget and he would never do it again… Well, I will never forget and I will never let someone have that level of control over me again.

This Article got me through my own Narcssistic Experience … https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how- … your-life/

I have used this technique with other narcissists, though not as severe as the one narcissist.  There is usually one narcissist that tries to take you out and cover you with their sludge though there can be more.  They work and they can help you to regain your power.

Narcissists are living sludge in a way.  Toxic. Their words are toxic, their vibrations toxic, their actions are toxic…You will always feel uneasy around them, like you are stepping on egg shells.  They will insert themselves into your life, into who you are.  They will try to merge themselves with your identity.  This is because their sludge is trying to feed on you.  This is why people who have to deal with narcissists often times go through a time where they appear dead.   This is the process where you have to sever yourself from the narcissist and the narcissist doesn’t want to let you go.  They hold you and they want to keep you… Once you are free, you will feel a huge shift.  You can heal from the narcissist, you can shift out of the reality that created them.  It starts with removing the fear of the Narcissist and realizing that so many others have gone through it too.  You are not alone and no matter what you did, no matter how horrible you thought you were, that you question, that you are trying to get out, that you are working to do better, you deserve to heal and be free, and you deserve to be forgiven.

The Demons are dark, they know the secrets that are whispered in the night, they will forgive you… People will forgive you, forgive yourself, and release the fear and let the Narcissist have their tantrum… Mammon, the first time told me to ignore this person no matter what they did, no matter what they said, ignore them! I didn’t listen… but I will now… and I will forgive myself.

S&S is what it is today because of the people here.  The amazing people who bless and grace this forum empower it, and are all part of shaping the energies and I could not ask for a better group of people.  We have created an amazing unique group…. I have almost lost this forum and this energy a few times now, I have fought every time to keep it, and I will continue, and I know that people who love this forum and call it home, they will also work to keep it.  I love this space and I love you all who share this space with me.  The energies that we have created and are continuing to create here are amazing.  It would not exist without you, and it would not be what it is without any of you.

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