Crossing the Abyss with Leviathan – Death
Continued from this post here… Crossing the Abyss with Leviathan – The Storm
The water fill my lungs as time itself stopped. I couldn’t breath, it was a terrifying feeling, was I dead? I wasn’t sure, wherever I was time was still, I saw nothing around me but darkness. I couldn’t even panic anymore, I think I was drifting to the bottom of the ocean. I think I was sinking, drowning, truly drowning. Had I lost this fight, I wasn’t sure. I remember the sorrow and sadness as it took me. It was black and I felt like I wanted to cry. I saw light streaming down from the surface. I couldn’t move though, I couldn’t swim for it. I was motionless and lifeless.
My mind flashed to a happier time. I was with Azazel in the cave I go to to seek council from him. He was sharing with me techniques in mental mastery. I remember there was a swimming hole in the cave and I went into the water. He told me that water is purifying, it can mark a change, an awakening of sorts. It can cleanse you of the own, wash away the pain and sorrow, and help you step into your new self. I was feeling pretty down about myself in that moment and looking back and seeing how happy I was back then added to the pain. I remembered splashing in the water as he shared with me that lesson, and told me that with time water wears everything down, and eventually it all returns to the sands. including pain.
I came back and I swear I saw him, he was there with me in the currents, he was there with me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me from the spiral I was caught in. I was caught in a current that was pulling me downward, pulling me into the abyss. With that came the feelings. The pain and sorrow overwhelmed me and threatened to claim me.
Sorrow and Sadness
I cried, I must have cried a thousand tears but why was I crying, where did this pain come from, I felt sorry for myself, I wondered why this had happened, I wanted to just die I wanted the pain and the sorrow to just stop! I had had enough! I was done with this but it hurt so badly. I was lost in sadness, why did this happen? I thought everyone hated me! I was convinced it was only a matter of time before the entire world hated me and turned their back on me. It made me sad to think. I felt that there was nothing left and that the darkness would swallow me.
I started to realize that my feelings were guiding me on this journey and instead of getting lost in them I needed to look at them and understand them. I remembered the lessons that Azazel taught me on mental mastery. I remembered that this was a map, this entire sequence of events I had to go through this.
Sadness and sorrow, they are when you are morning something, they are letting you know that you have lost something or have been hurt by someone who you thought was a friend, sadness is there to guide you through the dark times, to release your emotions and really understand what is important to you. I was sad, but what was I really sad about. I had to explore it. I realized I was sad and lamenting for my old life, but had it really vanished? was it really gone? or was I just blinded and not seeing it.
I felt myself drifting through the currents. It was just nothing but the motion of my body being pushed against them. I was whipped around and pulled through the ocean depth going with them, swaying with them. I had nothing left, I released and just surrendered to this state. I realized I couldn’t control what had happened, and I couldn’t control what was going to happen. All I could control was me, that was it. Another one of Mammon’s lessons rang through.
“Don’t focus on what others are doing, focus on what you are doing and it will grow.”
I had become to caught up in what was going on around me, I forgot to stabilize myself and allow myself to find inner strength. I guess that is what walking through the abyss is in a way. Learning to find that inner strength, learning to find yourself again. Another one of Mammons lessons echoed in my mind.
“You need to stay strong, lots of things are going to happen, it is going to get ugly, you have to rely on your inner strength.”
He was right and I hadn’t done that. I realize I asked for this, I took the actions, and the all gave me the opportunity to make it happen. It was hard yes, and challenging but this entire experience, this entire journey was forging me. It was creating a new me and as I had been reminded of many times. It was exactly what I asked for. I suddenly understood the phrase “be careful what you wish for” on a whole new level.
A final thought from Mammon rang through my mind..
“What do you want to grow in your garden, focus on that, nurture it, what you nurture and give focus to, weather it be the weeds or the flowers, it will grow.”
My mind suddenly shifted and I snapped out of this state.
I understood, All these levels and layers I had gone through, they were peeling back the old patterns of my subconscious, they were revealing and releasing the shackles that were holding me and binding me. I was being freed of this I was being freed of them. I was completely being allowed to heal and in order to do that I had to shift my perception! I suddenly understood. I realized that I was sad, angry, numb, afraid all of that! and those feelings were calling me to remember. Remember everything that I love, everyone that I love, everything I wanted, everything I fought for and everything that I felt gratitude for. Life was going to knock me down and keep trying, but I didn’t have to surrender to it, and I shouldn’t no matter how many times, no matter how many storms I faced I had to get up and keep going! I wanted this, I was getting and was going to have exactly what I asked for!
I was going to fight! and I was going to fight hard no matter what happened no matter what became of it I was going to fight!! I was a strong swimmer, I use to swim in the ocean in wild waves and currents, I could fight this and I was going to. I then felt it. With the shift of my mindset I felt a massive creature swim up beside me. I knew who it was, I knew why he had come. I felt him under me, he was pushing me through the currents pushing me to the surface I could see light beginning to break the waters surface! Then everything again went black and I passed out.
Final Chapter…. Crossing the Abyss of Leviathan – Rebirth