A Dance with Mammon – Part 2 : Trial and Error

Continued from this post here…

Happiness before the Storm.

Travels

So I did what Mammon said.  I read the books and I did it dutifully.  I worked my way through those books and even when they frustrated me, I read them.  I started to enjoy it actually, it was really nice to just be able to sit and read and explore the different ideas and topics.  It was enjoyable.  I would read the books and settled into a routine.  I loved to sit there for hours and just read, indulging in the world of books.  The topics I read were fascinating, the authors were incredible.  I loved their ideas and I started to see Mammon’s view of the world.  I started to understand why he was having me read them.

I got into rhythm reading them.  I started to push through them really fast and before I knew it, I had completed all of them! I was so proud, I went back to Mammon and asked to seek council with him.

Mammon: “So what have you learned?”

Me: “I need to really step out of my way of thinking.  I need to challenge how I am looking at things.”

Mammon: “ Yes, your mindset is the biggest hindrance and it will be.  Trust me, it is not over yet and your greatest battle is really just beginning.  You have learned some new things and you are excited, but implementing it is going to be grueling. You are going to have to fight the entire essence of your programs.  You grew up in a family that has no entrepreneurs, they are all highly educated which is good if you want a job, but to pursue being an entrepreneur you are going to have to fix something in you that was destroyed.  Something in you that has been destroyed for generations in your family.  That is your confidence.  You can be an idiot and make it if you have enough confidence and stubbornness to carry the wave.  Those men and women who succeed and rise to the top, they have something. They carry an energy that most do not and that most never will. You have to study them, you have to immerse yourself in their energies and you need to begin to understand them and their vibrations.”

Me: “Where do I find these people?”

Mammon: “That is one of your first tasks. You will have to find them and immerse yourself in them.  Also I want you to notice how you feel when we converse.”

Me: “I feel amazing honestly, you make sense, the clouds clear, I notice I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel depressed, my anxiety also is noticeably reduced.”

Mammon: “Your anxiety and depression is another illusion, those things will have to be overcome.  You feel this way around me because I am of a high vibration and the fog that you are stuck in clears.  This is something that you will need to face in yourself, the source of this, you will need to do shadow work to fully release it and you will need to start going into the darkness of your subconscious and working to pull out all the limiting beliefs that you have.  You need to challenge your views and figure out which ones serve you and which ones hinder you.  There is a lot of work ahead of you. Right now you don’t have a direction and you still have a lot of lessons to learn.  I am here though and I will teach you.”

My fathers words… “it’s a paper tiger and every day you have to face it and every day you have to win… remember it is a paper tiger.”

This part of the journey was a lot of fun.  We discussed the philosophies in the books. My mentor would send me new books weekly to read and I really felt like I was doing things.  My mentor as well would speak to me of business and of success and he would share with me tidbits and secrets.  The time with my mentor was magickal.  The emails we shared back and forth, the conversations and the lessons will always hold a special place in my heart.   My mentor always encouraged me and I pushed myself hard and wanted to make him proud.

As I learned more and more, the sessions with Mammon became more fascinating.  He is brilliant how his mind works.  He understands business and commerce, he is a genius and his theories are incredible as are his views of the world. He is unapologetically Mammon.

Though the spiritual element was incredibly productive, my physical life was in absolute ruins. I see many occultists end up here.  Spiritually sound by physically broke, well I was there.  I hated it, I thought if I cannot manifest or create more than a couple of bucks here and there I don’t deserve to call myself an occultist.  I had to get over this!!

Mammon : “It is a block, most people have no understanding or knowledge of. Money, they hate it, they think it is evil, they don’t understand the vast history of it or what it represents.  But don’t worry, I am going to teach you…”

And boy did he teach me.

Nothing is working!

So I set out to learn, it was honestly terrible.  My life continually fell apart, one thing after the other. I was getting hit and

Lost

smacked.  I honestly thought at times I was being assaulted, attacked, decimated.  I was in nursing school then and I hated it. I was trying to start up an internet business while in nursing school but there was so much happening, it really was distracting from my attention.  Nursing school was not for me. I am far too opinionated and vocal to comply with them.  I speak out when I see acts of elder abuse happening and I was disgusted with the treatment of patients and my protests were met with… well then maybe you should not be in nursing school.  Yeah.. maybe..

Mammon: “So you want to be a nurse? I thought you wanted to be an entrepreneur?”

Me: “Well I do, but I can make good money with…”

The look he gave me made me stop talking.

Mammon : “You can only choose one.  Do you choose safety and the road you know the end of?  Your family have all pursued that road, you know where it ends and it is safe. The road you want to take though, it is dangerous and it is new. You don’t know what is around the corner and you have no idea what the next step is.  It is terrifying and the chance of failure is much higher than if you take the safe road of being a nurse.  You hate it Akelta, admit it to yourself. It isn’t even an intellectual profession that you want to do.  You hate everything about it and you are only here because of a sense of duty to your family line.  This is honestly the easiest path that you can take and it will lead you to misery and unhappiness.“

I couldn’t deny I hated it and every part of my body screamed to get out.  The pain of staying was overpowering the desire to stay, the safety of a high paying job with benefits… god damn I was starting to sound like my mother.. ok I had to get out.  I remember the day I walked away from nursing school.  I shook as I deferred my admission.  I had a year to decide if I wanted to go back or not.  My mom was horrified but I knew I had made the right decision.

I then tried different things.   I took lots of Anthropology courses, I loved them.  I really was passionate about them.  I took Anthropology, Archaeology, Language Studies, History, it was fascinating and really called to me.  I especially was captivated with the Religious and Spiritual studies of Anthropology.  I knew from a child, spirituality was where I held passion, but I didn’t know you could get employment.  It went against what I was taught.  But I took them and even though I had no direction and no course of where this was going to take me, I took the classes because they were fascinating and I just wanted to learn.

I came upon energy healing and I was fascinated.  I found a Reiki Master and paid for all four courses and within a year I had attained my mastership.  I was so excited I began doing energy healing and I thought that I had found my calling.  My reiki master was open minded and she knew I worked with demons and she let me call in Lucifer for the archangel portion of the attunement.  It was a very positive and empowering experience and I really thought that I had found my calling.

I ended up taking an energy healing course that covers all aspects of energy healing and is a three year course.  Well I was too dark for them and they didn’t like me.  They created a story about me and basically pushed me out of the class.  Oh I hated them.  The hatred in me rose.  I was distraught and it increased and destroyed me on some level.  I remember looking at my black magick books and lessons from my mentor, wondering if I should take this road.  If I should… It was so tempting.  I sighed and felt Mammon behind me.

Mammon : “That was not your path, they are nothing and they will amount to nothing. They are not the types of people that you want to associate with, they are scum. You will see in time what scum they are and this is a lesson to shift you and change the course of your path.  Do not be ashamed of what they say. You have to get over what people say about you. You have to not care and know that people will say things, they will say horrible and barbaric things about you.  When they do that it reveals more abut them than about you.  It reveals where they are and it shows that these are not people that you wish to associate with.  You have to not care what people say about you, you have to get over this shame that you hold.  It comes from your family, but it will only stagnate you in this path.  Those who cannot, will cut down others. Make your choice, do you want to build? Or do you want to destroy?”

I knew he was right on some level, but I was distraught. My attempts to get a formal education were being ripped from me faster than I could regain my balance.  I finished with the Anthropology studies but in the end I chose to walk away from school.  It was destroying all my efforts to build a business and Mammon was right, it was my safety and it was stopping me from attaining what I desired.

I left school for good.  I remember walking away from it.  There was so much fear in my heart and so much anger and frustration.  But I had made my choice. I was choosing to do this, I was throwing myself in and going all out. I was going to build this life and I was not looking back.  As I walked away from the school for the last time, I didn’t even look back.

Your vibrations are horrible!

I found solace being a maid.  I took a job as a maid.  The money was not bad, I loved the clients, I felt that in this job I actually got to be kind and civil to the elderly.  I have a lot of respect for maids, my family are all intellectuals, and there is unspoken mindset that maid work is somehow less, but doing that job and stepping into that place I found I broke that program.  I got too comfortable though.

I was still trying to build up my internet business.  I was taking the odd Reiki Job on the side and doing Tarot card readings and teaching classes on how to see and draw auras on the side.  But I was quite content being a maid.  It was relaxing work and I had a lot of time to just think and ponder.  I loved getting lost in the cleaning but It really was not what I wanted to do and it was not where my heart was.

Mammon: “You are never going to get anywhere like this.”

Me : “I know, I do feel happy though.”

Mammon: “No you are not, you are content and complacent.  I told you go forth and find those of the vibration that you want to be at. You do not want to be at this vibration, it has nothing to do with the job of a maid. If you wanted to be a maid then I would say go forth and do it and do it the best that you can do, but… You don’t want that. You want something so much more and you need to get out of this energy.  You need to get away from these energies and you need to step into the energies of what you want to do.  That is what you are missing, you keep drifting from familiar energy to familiar energy. You need to do something new, you need to do something you have never done before.”

He was right and I knew he was.  I decided to find these people. I started looking into different sorts of business and I started to really expand my understanding of the world.  I looked at the different types of things people did.  I studied the rich and the elite and I became fascinated by their brains and why they do what they do.  I sought out the people that Mammon told me to and I found them.  They are not hard to find when you look.

I hung around them but still nothing in my life was working.

Mammon: “That is because your vibrations are terrible! They are horrible. You are still coming at this at the vibration you have always been at, you actually have to get out of this place that you are so comfortable in.  Immerse yourself in their energies and then you have to get ready to change when the shifts start to happen.They are going to be uncomfortable and they are going to test you.”

I continued to diligently meet with these people and talk to them.  I helped them out, I volunteered for them, I worked as hard as I could.  I pushed myself hard and I asked questions.  I asked millions and millions of questions.  I knew though something was eluding me, I knew I didn’t have it. I was lacking what they had. I was missing the key components of this. I could see it and it frustrated me, they all seemed to have it. It was an energy and when I scanned myself it just wasn’t there.  I even tried taking some and studying it but it disappeared and continued to elude me.  Mammon laughed at me when I did that.

Mammon : “Yes you are missing the piece. You can’t even see it, you cannot even perceive it.  You have a part of it though. You need to continue and you need to push through this and the horrors that are going to fall on you. You need to push through them.  No matter what happens and what goes on you have to commit to it and move forward into it.  This energy has to come from within, it has to rise from a dark place of the soul, the place of creation and passion.  It has to rise from there and be brought into the world through your actions and your conviction.  You are getting closer, you are being noticed and soon you will be given an opportunity. It is going to change you and you need to take it.”

A woman’s voice approached me… “I have an opportunity for you, I need an assistant and I have heard good things about you.” 

I quit my job as a maid and I took the opportunity.  I became a personal assistant to the rich and the elite.

To be continued here…

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