Being Happy in my Skin.

Doing these youtube videos, I am facing a lot of things,  my old self, the side of me that was not confident.  I am facing things I used to believe, thoughts that held me back, and limited my growth.  I am really looking at what used to define me and challenging myself to grow.  I have to admit I have been having panic attacks that everyone is going to hate me, lol everything is going to come crashing down. I am going to say and do the wrong things.  Stepping out of my comfort zone is shattering all my inhibitions and limits I placed on myself.  It has been so powerful, but also scary.  Let’s face it… there is this growing trend to shy away from the world because we are different.  Because our views and our mindsets don’t fit in with the common norm and what is deemed acceptable…It is easier to hide in the shadows, than shine for who we are and it is terrifying to release and unveil ourselves and our unique truth, the different elements that make us who we are.  I actually wonder where the hell this rubbish thought started on this plane…

We are all different! We are all who we are! We all have talents, beliefs, desires, inhibitions, we all are who we are… there is no common norm that is an illusion. Everyone is different… We all have our own thoughts, ideas, talents, passions, dreams desires! We are all beautiful and unique!

Growing up I was a freak (HA I still am), I was different, I was out there with my ideas.  I also use to mope and whine and convince myself that I was so different and no one would understand me.. Reading my old journal entries I am horrified to what sounds like, a big ‘poor me’ pity party…. Would you like some cheese with that whine, Akelta?  I don’t drink… well then stop acting like a wino!! … yes honestly I needed to be that hard on myself, and I need to be now because I still have moments I want to run back to the safety net.  I have been pushing and challenging myself and as amazing as it feels, it is also terrifying and rustling sides of my soul I had all but forgotten.

My past life I was not human… I seldom speak of this anymore, but there was a time I was convicted on it.  It was my reason why people wouldn’t understand me.. I was convinced I was not human here, I was convinced no one could understand me because of this past alien life which empowered me as much as it imprisoned me.  My life that was cut short, I felt cheated, like I had been robbed of that great gift, not realizing it was my own higher self who choose to terminate my bliss.. I had to come back to this realm for one final hurrah. I was bitter at her, angry, how dare she take me from that world and leave me here? I tried to show how different I was, how alien I was, I tried to convince others I was not human, how could I be human!! I wanted to go home! I had no idea what that meant but It wasn’t here. I wanted my blue planet with the blue ring. It was a very lonely road and it was only in accepting I was human now, accepting people could love and understand me that I found peace.  I find my mind at times drifting to the thoughts and places from that life, but I know that home has not been that world for over 32 years,  home for the time is now Earth, until it is time for me to return to my higher self and return home.  I have found friends on this world, a family, a group that understands me and hears me.. We may not always agree, but that is part of what makes it fun, and we all have damn good discussions!

My depression, my anxiety,  it’s part of me, not a death sentence.. It is challenges that I have to rise up against and I will.   You know what helped me the most?  When I stopped pretending I was this delicate being that no one would ever understand.  When I stopped saying,  ‘Oh but I am so different, no one gets that…’ You know what I learned? A LOT of people get it, if you give them a chance… In the past, my younger years as a teenager, the biggest crime I committed with myself was to shut down to the point that I didn’t even let people have a chance to understand me.  I set them up for failure by coming into connections bound and determined that I was this special, unique being that no one would ever understand…. You know what? That was the biggest lie that I fed myself and it is the only reason I was so isolated growing up.  I have friends now, lots of friends, real friends who love and accept and YES understand the Freak I can be… not only do they understand it, they accept it and embrace it!! I learned to be loud and proud of who I was and say THIS IS ME!!!

You don’t have to be like a person to understand them.  You can be the total opposite but open to understanding them, open to accepting them and just celebrating the amazing individuals that you are.  No, people don’t always understand me! But instead of shutting down and going.. ‘they never will,’ I give them a chance! I open up and I share and I let them in!! And you know what I have found? Not only have people understood me and accepted me, they have also shared their inner freak with me… and together we are a group of freaks and that makes for the most amazing carnival. You guys.  I adore you and getting out there in the youtube world… S&S is my safe zone too.  It is that place I just can post and know that I have the support of such a wonderful group of people, so thank you for being here with me <3 It does mean so much to me.

Final thoughts….Don’t assume that no one can understand you, give others the chance to try to understand you, and don’t set people up to lose.  Humanity, people, we are all incarnated here from higher beings. We all have been broken and smashed and have our challenges and our obstacles to get over.  I have had friends use and abuse me… leave me for others and left me feeling empty and sad.  We have been broken, battered, abused but we are ready for the next round.   We are stronger together, we find out about the depth of each other’s soul and you know what? A lot of people I have met are amazing, and by opening up I have met some of the most amazing and incredible people in my life! You guys…. This forum, this place! We are all here because we are looking for something, we are oddballs, unique intricacies of the world and we are beautiful! It doesn’t matter where we come from, it doesn’t matter what has happened to us,  don’t let your past define you,  don’t let it be your reason to shy away, let it be your reason to soar and shine!!

Don’t be a broken vase shattered on the floor!  Be a Kintsugi Superstar!