We are born here, we are born into the family we are from. The energies that created us, the vibrations of our family, they flow into us, they already begin to shape our lives from birth. They stay with us and sometimes they consume us. They will shape the destiny of our life and sometimes to change where we are going, we have to change where we are from.
Growth requires the darkest of shadow work, I love shadow work, but I also despise it. I love what will come of it, but I hate where it takes me. Leviathan works with me when I go to these places, in the depth of my subconscious mind and he helps me to unlock what needs to be released. He has been calling for me to return to the Abyss to work with him.
I remember my grandmother, telling us not to drive in front of the neighbours house, because she didn’t want them to see the car we drove… At the time I laughed at this, we all did… now I look back on it and I see the slow damage that was being imprinted in me. We were not good enough for her, we were an embarrassment. We had to change our behaviours in order in order not to be judged by others… We had to not be who we were to not be an embarrassment.
How interesting how that compounded and lead to the decisions and choices I made in my life. Moments like that shaped and defined me. They were slowly conditioning me to comply and to move into a place that shaped so much.
Me: I want it Mammon…That is my goal.
Mammon: you know what that means?
Me: Yes, I want it, I am ready and I know this time that it means everything is going to crash and burn, and I welcome it. I want the next stage of my life, I want to grow and manifest that and I know in order to do that I have to face this.
Mammon: Ok, phase two will begin.
This exploration was incredible personal. I now had to face the monstrous matriarch of my family and the consumption of my own self that came from it. It was from a long line of monstrous matriarchs who had each consumed their young. The cycle of consuming and destroying each one and tearing them to shreds as it went. My mother started to break the cycle, but it haunted her, just as it was haunting me. My inability to set proper boundaries was apparent and it was becoming glaringly more so every day. I knew it was this that made me feel I could not say no… saying no meant I would be cut out. It meant that I would be removed from the family.
Returning to the black ocean I found myself again.. Oh how long it was since I was here. Now I was back… But this time… I knew what I had to face… This time was different. I met with Unsere who is one of Leviathan’s wives. She was standing there waiting for me on the sands. I smiled greeting her and suddenly broke down into tears. Oh gods the pain, what was this pain. The Monstrous Matriarch it was my curse… What was this all coming up and out of me… I actually felt like I was bleeding
I fought through the pain and I walked into the water. I felt Leviathan lift me up and we headed out to the water.
Leviathan: This Is where you are that holds you back. When you go to engage your mind plays her voice, it plays what she said, it reminds you. This was a curse that was given to you on your birth, and it has guided and directed your life, it has stopped you from saying no and setting the boundaries that you desperately need. You are being challenged to face it and to heal it. This energy is encoded in the cells in your body. That is why it is hurting, your whole body is releasing this and it is shifting, it is changing and with the energy that leaves you, you change with it. You are dying in a way, your old self is. Your old self is being left behind, but the being that you always were and that you always waned to be and knew you were, that girl is awakening. That girl is rising from the depth of your soul. Your bravery, your courage, your strength, you always knew it was being sapped from an unknown place, you know the place now, you know what was feeding you and keeping you a prisoner here. It was this, this sequence of events, this pattern that cursed you. It is releasing, and with it, you are changing, you will be attacked, but you won’t care, the new being that is rising will not be swayed by the fears that the old you did, you will see the world through new eyes, and you will rise into your core strength.
The energy started to change and a low fog rolled in, I started to see images, visions were appearing to me. The water of the black ocean was calm today. It was peaceful and it was beautiful. I could not relax though, my body was tense and I was very aware of how tense it was. I was also aware of how sore my muscles were and how much pain I was still in. I wanted to relax and enjoy this but it was not happening, my body felt like a giant knot and even the astral plane could not ease me. Being stressed in my physical body was bad enough, this was terrible. I turned and looked into the fog and the first vision appeared.
I watched a friend of mine speak. It was something that her and I agreed with whole heartedly. I watched as she spoke her truth… my truth, and it was attacked and in the way it did sent me on a journey, I had to look at myself and my own essence and understand myself on some level. What is the balance between keeping a safe space, but also speaking my truth… I was enraged, at myself, at myself for not speaking my own truth, for silencing my tongue with someone that was my truth! The bravery of this dear friend of mine, it inspired me and it showed me another wound I had to heal, another aspect that I had to accept.
Leviathan: Your definitions, your words, your truth, those are yours and when others come in and try to overwrite them with their truth, they cannot get upset when it contradicts what you say, and you should not silence yourself because of this. You don’t mind fighting, you are good at it, arguing and debating, you silence yourself though because you feel you will isolate yourself and people will remove themselves if you disagree with them. This came from your grandmother and once you heal it, this will stop. Your grandmother would have removed you from your family had you spoken out against her, in fact at the end she has… But you lost nothing, you lost the toxic ones that
He was right, if someone is going to remove themselves and be so offended by my words and my truth then do I really want them in my life? That is the thing, true friends will stay, they will also respect what you have to say and they won’t disrespect you or your space, they won’t try to manipulate you or many little jabs asking you to prove your loyalty to them. Those are not true friends. I have true friends and none of them would ever act like that. I accept other peoples differences, their views, even when I feverishly disagree they are still allowed to post and speak their mind. Differences make the world go around and debate helps us all learn new things…. So….Why do I stop myself at times? why do I limit my own speech..? It is her voice in my head… It holds me back in so may areas in my life, and I realized in this moment it has prevented me from the success I was working to manifest. This was my sabatage.
Leviathan : Take that chance, step outside of where you are comfortable and know that your path is not what you know, you know a lot, but on this journey you need to learn new things, you need to embrace the unknown, it will be hazy, it will be unclear and you will be tested and have to do things that you have never done before, things that go against the nature that you have inherited. You will know it as well, you will know wit because you will be scared, you will be unsure and you will feel the fog of the unknown. Let go of clarity and let go of knowing exactly what will happen, that is only because your life is predictable, to get what you want you to have to let this go and be unpredictable.
The Fog shifted and I saw two sides of me. One side that was incredible sweet and kind, and another side that was ruthless and explosive. Anger and frustration ruled me and with my tongue I could rip apart anyone. This state….
Leviathan: That state.. it is the side of you that is pushed to its limits, you give and give and give and do not set the boundaries you need for your own sanity. You try so hard to help everyone you end up becoming drained and then you snap. You snap and take the actions you should have taken, but then you feel bad, why wait. You need to set those boundaries, you need to understand that you are allowed to and if someone pushes your boundaries you have every right to push back and remove them. When you snap into that place it is because you have not set the boundaries, people who are damaging you have gotten in and they push and push until you snap and are forced to defend yourself. This happened recently. Someone came in who pushed your boundaries, they kept pushing them. They pushed the boundaries of people around you and then when you tried to talk to them they were rude to you. You removed them and then they came back telling you off in an email.
I remember the email. I was very upset when I got it. I cannot believe how violent people can get and though at times I want to tear into them back. I know it is a waste of time. I know it will fall on deaf ears and I know that if they are going to treat me like that they are not people I want in my life.
Leviathan: The one who sent you the email, they have no power in their life and they are reacting to their own shadow, that email was about them. It was not about you. They have no power, they have nothing, they have no connections and they are reacting because all they can do is copy those who are greater then they are. Their rudeness and arrogance and disrespect for the place you created is apparent. They came back as well, they were to swayed by your actions, they will never learn..
I looked and sure enough, I saw it… He guided me and revealed to me… They had come back…
Leviathan: Let it go though, this is the last of that energy trying to keep hold of you. The choice of what you do, you will know when you release this and you will act. You will act knowing that you have broken the pattern, and you will begin a new direction in your life and this old pattern will die.
I acted, It aligned and I knew I had to remove this person. I knew he was guiding me to set this boundary. To not care at all about anything and take the steps. Oh it tested me. It is not something I normally do, but I give too many chances, they have told me that, and every single person who I have given so many chances to has turned out to slap me in the face. I need to set boundaries, I need to enforce them. I have a friend who is very good at setting boundaries and she is very inspiring. Oh though I was tested. You know though when someone comes into your space and is disrespectful you don’t owe them anything, you don’t owe them your time or anything. When they disrespect the rules and disrespect you, and try to manipulate you, then continue to attack you. These are people you don’t want in your life. All I had to lose was abuse, all I had to gain was inner peace and peace of self. My dignity and wisdom that only age and experience can bring.
How ironic that now that I set up boundaries and no longer allowed myself to be treated this way I get called the names, I become the bad one… My grandmother made me afraid of being the villain, it was her program and it was what happened. I saw how it all aligned and I saw how it all compiled and I saw how my patterns were pulling strings from the shadows of my soul. This was my puppet program. I was the villain again, and I had to be ok with it.
Leviathan: Nothing has changed, you are the same person you always were, their words, they are their own projections, their own reactions to these boundaries. Most people would look at this
The fog around me broke and a vortex lay below me. It was a whirlpool, a black whirlpool swirling in the black ocean. I was standing on the back of Leviathan in his dragon form looking down over it. Once he rescued me from the black ocean and now I had to willingly throw myself into it. I had to let go and surrender my old self to it… Once I fought to save myself, now I sacrifice this side of me to it… How ironic, the jump. The jump I always froze on. I was not going to freeze now, I was going for it… I jumped… One last vision.
There is an entire side of the family that we had been isolated from.
I had to just let it all go… A hand pulled me out of the water. It was my higher self… How long had it been since I had wings? How long had it been since I had soared so free? I felt the chains break free and I let it all go. Another layer was completed.
Mammon was right, these are going to get easer as I go.. I breathed happiness, and I smiled a deep smile