A Camel Ride with Paimon : Confidence
Continued from here
The Blocks in Myself
I loved the feel of the sun. I loved this place and there was something that was so relaxing and soothing about this. I felt all my troubles and worries just vanish. The moment I was here it all just melted away. This was my place to just rejuvenate and refresh myself. It was always with demons, it was always in their realms. It was where I had always felt at home and where I knew my heart belonged. Since I was a child it was demons. The name demons sent chills through my spine in the best way. I would hear the word Satan and it would just elate my entire soul. I could never fully figure it out and it took me years before I even admitted it fully but it was always there. When I return to these places it is like it refreshes my soul.
He was riding beside me on his own Camel. I was riding on mine. I mused how this felt natural. It was fun. We were silent though for time as we wandered. I wondered were we were going and if he knew where we were going. Then he broke the silence.
Paimon : “ You spend so much time worrying about blocks and fixing them. Are they really there? And if they are, are they really blocks?”
Me: “ I have not attained what I desire yet so there is something keeping me here.”
Paimon : “Of course there is, but is focusing on it really helping? Is this the course that you want to take? If you shoot for where you want to go and push forward the blocks will rise on their own. As they do, then that is the time to deal with them. Even then, do you have to deal with them or just balance them? Many things that people see are blocks or as wrong are actually our greatest virtues. There is a reason that those who are rich and powerful seem so flawed when you meet them.”
Ok yes he was right. I remember that, I thought back to their energy, they were flawed but it was fun flaws, that is the best way I can describe it. They were confident in themselves and they embraced their flaws and differences. It is what made them unique, it is what made them who they were. That acceptance. They had their quirks, they had things that they did which some would argue were blocks but were thy really. Paimon now had me thinking, I knew what he was trying to do, he was trying to get me to lock onto an energy. It was an energy vibration they all had and it was an energy vibration I needed to embrace.
Me : “It is not the blocks I need to focus on. It is this energy. I need to move towards it and balance myself or release things as I move towards it, but the main focus has to be moving towards it.”
Paimon : “ Mammon has told you similar things, and you are getting closer to really understanding his whole message. You are getting closer to understanding this with every step you take. You are almost there. ”
I hated this, I started grasping it then it slipped my grasp, what the fuck was I missing?!
Paimon : “You are fucking missing this perspective. It is a fucking perspective that you have never had before so you are scared of it. You are scared to fully embrace it and oftentimes slip back into old patterns which trap you and bind you. Success is a fucking mountain, but there are going to be harder areas than others and you sometimes are going to have to take a leap of faith.”
I ended up laughing at him swearing mimicking my frustration. It was hilarious how he said it and it snapped me out of where I was. It was a great pattern interrupt.
Paimon : “It is the leap of faith you are missing. It is not a block. This quirk in you is not a block it is one of your virtues. What you have to do is take more leaps of faith and stop beating yourself up when you stall and when you take time to think. That quality in you is part of your brilliance.”
The desert seemed to break away before us and there was a cracked cliff with water below. I jolted a bit and for a moment it terrified me. This deep terror that was welling up inside of me. I was frozen and I gripped my reins tightly praying that my Camel would hold position and not move.
Paimon dismounted and walked towards the cliff. I remained on my Camel and was frozen.
Paimon : “Why don’t you come over here and take a look? This is something you have done before, you jump off of cliffs, you have jumped into pot holes. You can swim in raging water, you are a very strong swimmer. Why are you freezing now?”
Me : “because I know what this represents!”
Paimon : “What does it matter what it represents? It is the same actions that you have taken before.”
Me : “I don’t know!”
He walked over to my camel. “Time to dismount and face this. You want to solve this don’t you? You want to know, don’t you?”
I took a deep breath in and dismounted the camel. Everything he said was true. I swim in current water, I have swam in pot holes that are deep and had to fight with the currents. I have jumped off of cliffs. Stupid diving board incident. Though every time I have jumped, I have frozen and had to build myself up.
Paimon : “But you have built yourself up, don’t you see that? Every time you have built yourself up, you have pushed yourself and you have done it. You need to look at what is really stopping you. It is your own perspective, it is your own view of what you think you should be doing. You are your own worst enemy. You are looking at this one incident as something to overcome, when this has actually evolved into a skill. You love the thrill of it, you love the build up, you love the anticipation. You thrive on this and that has evolved into an ability. To thrive in intense situations and rise when there is immense pressure around you. This is not a block! It is a virtue. The only block you have is thinking that it is a block and thinking that is has to be fixed instead of looking at all it does for you and what it allows you to be.”
His words hit me and it took a moment for them to sink in. He was right…
Paimon : “You have the ability to analyze, you have the ability to delve deep into the darkness and rise to any challenge that presents itself. This situation taught you that. It taught you to be this person and it taught you how to push through it. You see all challenges as exciting, you see what is before you. Somewhere along the way though, someone told you you were wrong and you believed them. Someone told you this was something that was stopping you and you believed them. Someone told you you shouldn’t, couldn’t or wouldn’t do it and you believed them. The block is not your ability and skill, the block is you believing the opinions of assholes on a subconscious level. That is where your block is. You know your work with us, you have lived the lifestyle of someone who works with us and you have the power to continue doing that. Don’t let people who have not walked in your shoes try insert their options onto you, and don’t believe them. This skill you have, these experiences you have, these abilities you have they have all lead you here and it is your faith in them and your faith in yourself that will take you here. Sometimes you have to fall. I fell eons ago and falling was freeing. Fall away from other people’s perceptions of you and embrace your own perception. Embrace this element in yourself and claim it as yours.”
I took a deep breath in and walked to the cliff. I looked down at the water below and I felt the familiar freezing. I felt the familiar tightness in my stomach and for what seemed like eternity I just stood there.. I just stood there and looked over, pondering everything he had said, pondering everything that I had been though and just pondering me.
This was me…. I laughed and I laughed so hard. This was all me. This was what made me who I was. I did this. I froze and I looked around and I analyzed and I analyzed and I went back and looked and made sure it was good enough. My mind raced and I knew this was all me. I stood there laughing for a bit, then I jumped. I jumped as I always do, when no one suspects it, when I don’t even suspect it. My legs against the will of my brain just went NOW. My stomach raced to my throat and I felt the free fall before hitting the water.
I stayed under for a moment. I loved that moment. When you are completely submerged, when the bubbles are rising up around you kissing your skin as the ygo. I love the feel of them against my skin. For that moment I stayed there. It was perfect. It was me.
I broke the water and gasped looked around for a rock or anything I could head to. Paimon had already flown down and was standing on a rock his wings were spread in an impressive span. I swam over to him and he grabbed me and pulled me out of the water.
Paimon : “Do you see now? It was never this that was blocking you. It was your own perception of yourself, your own perception that what you had was not good enough. Everyone is told to strive for this unattainable notion of perfection but it is your oddities and your unique essence that gives you what you need to push forward. What all those people had that you didn’t, was that determined belief that they are good enough and that they can do it and no matter what happens they will push through. Do not be so willing to wish away what makes you unique, for it is the parts of you that you need. As a child you walked with demons and now you let people who are so bound and rigid by their own dogma block you? From this that you have done naturally and effortlessly for years. This will only block you, and those that would seek to block instead of teach are utter fools. The truth will be revealed and the path opened by your action, but you have to have the drive and desire to push through it. You rise to the challenge. That is what you always do. It doesn’t matter that you froze, it doesn’t matter that you overthink, you do it! And you did it. This is confidence, this is what is at your core and no matter how silly you are or how stupid others think you are, you have to be brave enough to move forward and just do it.”
Me : “It is bravery of myself. Stop trying to find what I am missing and know that I have enough and keep pushing forward, I will learn on the way, I will heal on the way. There is no perfection and there is no perfect state. I have what I have now and I just need to push forward through it.”
Paimon : “Yes, you will learn as you go. Don’t try to get it all now, you can’t. It took you over 20 years to learn what you know of demons and of yourself, it will take you another 20 years to get the next piece but don’t stop, keep going. You know your skills and you know what you are good at. That you can analyze, you can rise through the challenge. You are a diamond from the pressure you have been through and it doesn’t defeat you, it excites you. The challenge, the fight, the battle, it always has excited you. Embrace it and rise to it. Shed the last of these fears that others tried but failed to place in you and accept…. “
I had been trying to wring out my shirt and I slipped at that point and fell back into the water….Paimon was quick to grab me and pull me back out..
Paimon : “Accept that”
We both started laughing. Yeah I was a goof but I there is nothing wrong with that. I could be serious, I could be composed, I could be a clown, I could be a lot of things and these things they really did make me who I was. Confidence, it was accepting who I was, and having faith in myself, in the demons and in the path that laid before me. It was being able to be brave and bold and never stopping no matter what was said to me. It was letting the drama and energies that try to pull me down wash off of me like the water running through the canyon. Let myself be the crazy over analytical perfectionist, and keep building and growing. The story was improving and with each thing I faced, I came closer and closer to the person I was at my core.
Me : “I am still missing things aren’t I?”
Paimon : “Don’t dwell on that, it is part of the adventure here and part of all adventures really. Enjoy it and take moments to stop and be in the moment. Listen to yourself, listen to us. We will always guide you as we always have.”
I took a moment to breathe he was right. I knew he was. I felt something begin to happen that had not happened in a long time. Energy moving in my back and I knew there was a great change coming. This was just the start.