Continued from this post here…Crossing the Abyss with Leviathan. – The Beginning
I blacked out for a bit, It didn’t seem to matter I was drifting in eternal black water with no direction and no course and not really any care where I ended up. I looked around. The blackness was all around me as was the silence. Its true in a way, you do go mad when exposed to silence. I always wanted to try one of those silence chambers. Well the black ocean was perfect. I wondered where Leviathan was, wasn’t he suppose to be helping me…
I looked out to the ocean, there was nothing. It was just a black void. Empty, vacant. There was nothing before me. It was almost maddening in a way. The silence was deafening and void was all consuming. My mind started playing tricks on me and my anxieties took hold in new forms. I imagined twisted creatures laying in wait. The ocean is a cruel mistress so I have heard and I wondered what horrors awaited me out there and in the deep.
Maybe Leviathan betrayed me?
Maybe this was really it, maybe I actually died and this was death, I wasn’t sure. My mind was filled with doubts and anxieties. I tried to ease the calmness. I tried to relax my mind but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something horrible was going to happen. This is why I was waking up every morning in constant pain, I felt and was convinced something horrible was going to happen. That some unforeseen doom was going to befall me that day. Amazing how the mind plays such tricks. I looked at the ocean and all I saw was the potential for destruction. Yet, there was always nothing.
I tried to distract myself, there wasn’t much in the boat accept for the lantern. I looked at the lantern studied it. Focused intently on it, maybe it would take my mind off the creatures that I assumed were laying in wait. It was a beautiful lantern. Silver with intricate designs on it from the Abyssal realm. I saw a dragon form carved into the lantern. I looked at it and studied it. Then I asked myself how this lantern stayed lit for so long? What was fuelling it?
I was distracting myself. I didn’t want to focus on my emotions. I didn’t want to focus on the black ocean before me and I didn’t want to be left alone with my thoughts. But alas, I was. I had to keep distracting myself as there was to much. The vastness was to much. It was pitch black, there was nothing, no light, no anything that I could lock onto except for the lantern. I was having a hard enough time looking out, imagining all the terrors and horrors that could be waiting. My mind was racing, my thoughts were spinning. I had to get control of myself. I had to go back to focus, concentration.
I heard Leviathans words. The emotions have to be honoured, like shadow work you have to allow them to rise, you have to understand them, don’t run from them, don’t hide them, understand where you are and what you are feeling. Ok so I had to face my emotions head on, face my fears, face myself.
I took the lantern off it’s hook and held it out to the water, trying to see anything, there was nothing just black, black and more black. It was maddening and frightening all at the same time. I closed my eyes. The water. The water is often the gateway to the subconscious. I remembered a ritual, a ritual of water, the black water to open the door of the subconscious. I was scared, I quickly put the lantern back on the hook and layed low in the boat. I didn’t want to…. I blacked out again….
Coming back, I hid in the boat. I put my head down and tried to pretend that I wasn’t here, that nothing was happening. I wanted to hide in my bed. I wanted to never come out again. I wanted to run, run away and never come back. The boat though, there was no running. there was no place to run. I was surrounded by myself. Entirely surrounded by myself. The black ocean was my feelings. It was who I was. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to face it.
Denial comes from fear, we don’t want to move forward into the unknown, it seems to arise when we are frightened and want to hide, when we want to protect ourselves from the dangers that are around us, weather real or imagined, it is all the same to the mind. Denial is a defence mechanism, it lets us know there is something we have to deal with, but we are not always ready to. I was trying to run and hide, but you cannot run and hide from yourself.
“Are you sure you are ready?” I remembered Leviathan’s words.
NO!!! I AM NOT I WANT TO GO HOME!!! I WANT TO GO BACK!!!! I screamed to the void.
“I HATE YOU!!!!” I screamed.
silence…. except for a random thought in my mind…. you asked for this…
I was angry at my mind.. seems it was going to betray me to. I screamed at myself, screamed as loud as I could. Maybe the monsters would see and consume me. End it and end my suffering and just make it all stop!! I was surrounded by nothing, I was going insane. I mind suddenly wouldn’t be silent. thoughts, words, memories, painful ones all flooding me. I saw myself as a failure. I saw myself as nothing, I made the wrong choice… I had to have!!
WHY DID I DO THIS!!!???
WHY DID THEY DO THIS!!!???
They left me! in my time of need I was alone! there was no one there! they tortured me! they had to!!
“Then go back”
“NO!!!” I screamed!! it was like something broke, and in that moment, I knew I made the right choice. I would not go back. I would take the ocean, I would take death, I would take the pain over going back! In that moment it was like a part of me was reclaimed. I knew I had to go forward! I knew I had made the right choice for me. I grabbed the lantern, and I looked over the edge of the boat. I looked down into the water. I was ready, and I saw her. the dark half of my soul. I saw her once during an Astral projection in my room. My mirror was there, and I looked into it and I saw her.. She was here now, staring back at me. Staring back through my subconscious mind. Her black eyes gazing at me, her fangs and blood stained mouth peering up at me. I had to open the gates of the subconscious. I knew there was going to be madness but I had to. I couldn’t run, and wouldn’t want to now. I wanted to go through this and I wanted to heal.
I put my hand on the water and I called to her, the darkness that resides in my subconscious. I summoned her to join me. I closed my eyes and focused and suddenly the boat jolted and I dropped the lantern… NO!!!! I yelled as darkness consumed everything. Suddenly there was nothing but blackness, and on top of that I suddenly sensed a presence sitting behind me in the boat. I heard the sound of slow breathing behind me, and I knew I wasn’t alone anymore.
To be continued…. Crossing the Abyss with Leviathan – The Blackness