Venting - Personal Space - Spiritual Path
Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2018 11:13 am
So do you ever get those spiritual lessons that leave you feeling completely derailed? My partner, who has great wisdom and insight, and also spontaneously channels, tells me this experience was carefully crafted by my gods to divest me of my impatience and frustration, with which they are highly unimpressed.
Back in mid-October I opened my home (against my naturally introverted inclinations) to my best friend's family of four while they moved back out to our area and looked for a place of their own. It was supposed to be for 2 weeks, maybe 3. That was 2 and 1/2 months ago. I had just gone through what felt like a lengthy dry spell of doubt and not feeling like I was really connecting to the gods and spirits after about 18 months of super high activity. I had just begun to feel called to Goetia and working with DLs. I was also near the end of about a year of spiritual practice based on Pagan monasticism (Order of the Horae).
I wouldn't say that this family is on a different spiritual path, so much as they have no structure and no path whatsoever. My friend insisted she's an atheist, though she feels she "has to do something". She is very psychically gifted, but has suppressed her gifts her entire life due to fear (raised in a really rigid version of primarily Black Christian fundamentalism, became an atheistic UU as an adult after some half-hearted Wicca). She gets calls from a specific pantheon, too, but chooses to ignore them, even though she has an altar set up packed away from years ago (???WTF???).
In my home, sleeping across a wall from my ancestor altar, she began having really clear dreams/visions of a divinity or spirit contacting her and being very frustrated with her response, and would have "activity" of spiritual presences (her report) near-nightly, yet told me she was choosing to ignore them because she was afraid, or tired, or "didn't want to deal with it right now", or is "afraid it will work but won't be what I want and am imagining".
So after a close call where they asked to stay indefinitely (in my own 4-person family's home, which is not large, with their school age kids whom they are keeping home from school, not educating, not disciplining, and calling it "child-led homeschooling" -- OMG, a whole different rant), to which I agreed because my boundaries are not always firm and I hate disappointing people I care about, but which my partner saved us from with a definite "no", I feel like they've left and my home and spiritual life are in shambles.
I had a black dog "servitor" patrolling the boundaries, whom I can no longer find. I personally watched part of my selenite grid literally leap off of the front door frame when her husband walked past, with no one touching it. Later that night I clearly heard a small child's voice say "Hi?" super loud by the outside of the front door, asking to be let in. I almost opened it thinking her 3 year old had somehow got herself locked out, before I got the super creepy chills and checked first and no one visible was there, and I locked the door and windows. My kids and cousin were right by the door and didn't hear it.
My grid, wards, and shielding around my entire land is partly down. In fact, during the Dec 31 ritual, at the very end when I was opening my circle, I felt part of it tear down and one of the deities I was working with tack it up but state clearly that it was only a temporary fix.
I am so invested in my home and urban farm and it is usually so well protected -- I have put years of time and enormous amounts of making it so, which is partly why it feels so welcoming and safe to people -- and probably why entitled ones want to stay so often. The difference right now is palpable. I feel like my spiritual practice is in shambles, my garden is in shambles due to the energy diversion of unsupervised, undisciplined small children who were here instead of in school and also due to their physically damaging the place, I feel like everything useful is either lost, inaccessible, or broken, my home needs to by physically cleaned, reordered, and rearranged from top to bottom and psychically and energetically cleaned and re-shielded and warded from back to front. This feels overwhelming and I know there is a huge lesson here, and I just hope I find it as I am setting everything right again, but right now it feels like a million steps back. Was I just shocked out of my complacency? I don't know. I am incredibly grateful right now for what I do have (especially a sense of order and also free, compulsory public education! LOL freaking LOL). I am just coming out of 2 and 1/2 months of no access whatsoever to privacy in my own home, limited ability to farm (my topmost true love) or do my spiritual work, or spend any time with my spouse, or enjoy my children being at school, or clean my house, or have the spiritual presences in my home be respected, or or or...
Anyway, if anyone actually read this feeling-sorry-for-myself to the end, thank you. I am not sure what I am actually looking for here, but my partner suggested I write it all out somewhere where my friend won't ever see it. It is super frustrating and alarming to get too close to someone you care about, sometimes, and see where their behavior doesn't seem to line up with what they say their values and priorities are; also to have someone's response to a huge and inconvenient amount of help and hospitality be requests for ever greater amounts of help until you actually cut them off. Other than that, I've been lurking in this community learning from all of you and having amazing, transformative experiences with the group casts and rituals, even though I haven't had the time or privacy to post or really interact on here.
Back in mid-October I opened my home (against my naturally introverted inclinations) to my best friend's family of four while they moved back out to our area and looked for a place of their own. It was supposed to be for 2 weeks, maybe 3. That was 2 and 1/2 months ago. I had just gone through what felt like a lengthy dry spell of doubt and not feeling like I was really connecting to the gods and spirits after about 18 months of super high activity. I had just begun to feel called to Goetia and working with DLs. I was also near the end of about a year of spiritual practice based on Pagan monasticism (Order of the Horae).
I wouldn't say that this family is on a different spiritual path, so much as they have no structure and no path whatsoever. My friend insisted she's an atheist, though she feels she "has to do something". She is very psychically gifted, but has suppressed her gifts her entire life due to fear (raised in a really rigid version of primarily Black Christian fundamentalism, became an atheistic UU as an adult after some half-hearted Wicca). She gets calls from a specific pantheon, too, but chooses to ignore them, even though she has an altar set up packed away from years ago (???WTF???).
In my home, sleeping across a wall from my ancestor altar, she began having really clear dreams/visions of a divinity or spirit contacting her and being very frustrated with her response, and would have "activity" of spiritual presences (her report) near-nightly, yet told me she was choosing to ignore them because she was afraid, or tired, or "didn't want to deal with it right now", or is "afraid it will work but won't be what I want and am imagining".
So after a close call where they asked to stay indefinitely (in my own 4-person family's home, which is not large, with their school age kids whom they are keeping home from school, not educating, not disciplining, and calling it "child-led homeschooling" -- OMG, a whole different rant), to which I agreed because my boundaries are not always firm and I hate disappointing people I care about, but which my partner saved us from with a definite "no", I feel like they've left and my home and spiritual life are in shambles.
I had a black dog "servitor" patrolling the boundaries, whom I can no longer find. I personally watched part of my selenite grid literally leap off of the front door frame when her husband walked past, with no one touching it. Later that night I clearly heard a small child's voice say "Hi?" super loud by the outside of the front door, asking to be let in. I almost opened it thinking her 3 year old had somehow got herself locked out, before I got the super creepy chills and checked first and no one visible was there, and I locked the door and windows. My kids and cousin were right by the door and didn't hear it.
My grid, wards, and shielding around my entire land is partly down. In fact, during the Dec 31 ritual, at the very end when I was opening my circle, I felt part of it tear down and one of the deities I was working with tack it up but state clearly that it was only a temporary fix.
I am so invested in my home and urban farm and it is usually so well protected -- I have put years of time and enormous amounts of making it so, which is partly why it feels so welcoming and safe to people -- and probably why entitled ones want to stay so often. The difference right now is palpable. I feel like my spiritual practice is in shambles, my garden is in shambles due to the energy diversion of unsupervised, undisciplined small children who were here instead of in school and also due to their physically damaging the place, I feel like everything useful is either lost, inaccessible, or broken, my home needs to by physically cleaned, reordered, and rearranged from top to bottom and psychically and energetically cleaned and re-shielded and warded from back to front. This feels overwhelming and I know there is a huge lesson here, and I just hope I find it as I am setting everything right again, but right now it feels like a million steps back. Was I just shocked out of my complacency? I don't know. I am incredibly grateful right now for what I do have (especially a sense of order and also free, compulsory public education! LOL freaking LOL). I am just coming out of 2 and 1/2 months of no access whatsoever to privacy in my own home, limited ability to farm (my topmost true love) or do my spiritual work, or spend any time with my spouse, or enjoy my children being at school, or clean my house, or have the spiritual presences in my home be respected, or or or...
Anyway, if anyone actually read this feeling-sorry-for-myself to the end, thank you. I am not sure what I am actually looking for here, but my partner suggested I write it all out somewhere where my friend won't ever see it. It is super frustrating and alarming to get too close to someone you care about, sometimes, and see where their behavior doesn't seem to line up with what they say their values and priorities are; also to have someone's response to a huge and inconvenient amount of help and hospitality be requests for ever greater amounts of help until you actually cut them off. Other than that, I've been lurking in this community learning from all of you and having amazing, transformative experiences with the group casts and rituals, even though I haven't had the time or privacy to post or really interact on here.