Each new stepping stone that I walk on, I am introduced to a new set of emotions, a new set of experiences and lessons. While I can see and appreciate these lessons for what they are, that doesn’t stop it from bringing up very real emotions each time. I have learned that I can not logic pain away. I cannot logically break down trauma to where it no longer has an effect on me. This is something that I clash with Lord Rosier the most about.
“Do not try to make sense of what you are feeling. Do not tell me why you think it hurts. Do not question to yourself why you are experiencing the pain. You are rerouting your heart’s responsibilities to your brain and wondering why the job is only outlined, and not completed.”
I like to walk around parks and take pictures. I am a very sentimental person so when I take pictures, I remember what was going through my head during that photo. I remember the emotions I was feeling, where I was in my progression of life. And it’s during these times that I am allowed the opportunity of receiving insight, guidance and mentorship from Lord Rosier. My walks are very personal to me, but I think, if you are okay with it, I would like for you to take a walk with me this time.
I don’t understand. I don’t understand the reasoning behind those who would like to bring others down for no reason at all. It doesn’t make sense to me that there are people who genuinely seek to hurt another person. I don’t even feel allowed to complain or feel hurt when people say things to me. It seems like this weird, toxic loop that you are considered overtly sensitive if you allow yourself to acknowledge the wrongful hurt that you are experiencing. When someone tells you to simply “get over it” or make it seem like that there is something wrong with YOU. It’s like they don’t want to take ownership for the own hurt that they knew they would cause. You are somehow construed to be the toxic one when you hold one accountable for their words and actions.
“Why does this matter?”
Because it is not even remotely fair that I am disallowed from having my own feelings on the situation. I feel silenced, I feel oppressed, I feel as if I am dehumanized. I can’t experience this hurt because I don’t want to be viewed as sensitive when I am not. It just happened to hurt me.
“You seem to be able to experience the hurt right now without repercussions. Do you think it’s a bad trait to be considered sensitive? Is honoring yourself something that is bad? There are a lot of fascinating rules that were created by nobody. I wonder what would happen if you broke those rules. Would the nobody who created them strike you down?”
I know that this is here to teach me something. I know they are going through their own problems and that they are just projecting their issues onto me. It would be unfair of me to talk to them about it because it would accomplish nothing but hurting them in the process. I don’t want to do that to them. I get it. I would never act in that way but I can understand why they went from point A to point B. I can get over it, I always do.
“I am a little bit confused on what this has to do with you and your feelings. How interesting that someone else’s emotions are more present than your own.”
I am sad. Everyone has their person that they can go to it feels but me.
“What is ‘their person’? There are a lot of persons in your life.”
I want to be able to open up to somebody and not feel uncomfortable doing so. To be able to lay all the cards out on the table and even then, be able to see those cards and only see ways of how those cards can be built up to be something grand. To be able to see those cards and have nothing but love for them. To be told that my quirks are what drew them in but my vulnerability and authenticity is what made them stay. To be able to have someone see me for who I am, and not the archetype that they pigeon hole me in. I want to be heard, I just…I simply want to be seen.
“I see you.”