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 Psychological health--Clinical depression 
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I am in a very dark place right now, and it is not my familiar beautiful darkness. It is dark, cold, and empty. I've had bouts of depression, as I'm sure we all have, but oh boy this is something new. It's not just the every day stress building up being the only parent responsible for the whole household. It's also making bad decisions that hurt the people I love the most and feeling guilty. Not being the mom I'm supposed to be when I know I have to be both mom and dad. My kids can't have 2 sucky parents. Feeling all those checklist symptoms of clinical depression and I've exhausted myself by trying to fight and climb my way out and miserably failing. I have the support my Lord and companions, but feel so unworthy. I've done all the things that I have told others dealing with this cruel head game, but only half heartedly because I know I need to tell my family that I've already tried it and it didn't work. I find myself losing all my joy, wanting to get rid of all my animals, who are my pride and joy aside from my children. I know this is temporary and I know that this will pass, but Oh sweet relief please come quick.


Fri Apr 07, 2017 3:08 pm
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While it is not my place, nor anyone's really, to comment on the nature of what you are undergoing as it is a very personal manifesto with unique facets that only deep, self initiated introspectection could shine light upon, I believe I can offer you a bit of hope, which is what you most need right now anyways...not answers, not cures, not technique but the hope to grant you the stamina to undergo this transformation of your psyche.

I and many individuals I know who have gone through spiritual awakenings have to undergo the depression period, it could be considered a purging of all those elements which are out of sync with your deep self. I wrote a tad on this before on a separate forum, which I will quote below,

"I went through a bout of depression and I truly believe it's one of the rawest forms of catharsis, you are literally stripping the world of all prior meaning in order to rebuild it with more authentic of energies. There are many hidden doors that lie within the realms of mental states, doors that wouldn't be recognized otherwise, take advantage of this mindset, awareness and observation can go a long way.

You know when you take a picture and invert the colors? You're seeing something entirely new, yet in essence it's the same thing, this is what the mind does... it warps, distorts, inverts, negates all that surrounds us until we no longer know that which is real and that which is illusion. When you recognize this you can work off of the distortions to gain a better understanding of not only yourself but of the greater whole as well."


Looking back I think that the advice I was attempting to give was a tad insensitive, kind of a dismissive 'been there, done that... get over it.' I want to shift this... I want to experimentally re explore that dark mindset and then try to provide you with something... to sink myself back into the depression I knew, surrender myself to its clutches so that once I pull myself out the imprint will be freshly seared on my mind. I think the 'answer' lies in traversing the threshold. Will it work? Maybe, maybe not... Will it provide you with anything? Possibly, possibly with just the sliver of hope realizing that there is something outside of that suffocating bubble, that there is contrast, waiting for you to rise.

I am now slipping back into my depression... the taste feels stuffy, like breathing in the dust of an old attic... I remember this time in my life, I remember the gaping emptiness that haunted my every thought, I remember the smell of death that floated through my every dream. No..no there were no dreams, there were no fantasies. There was only escape. I didn't have the stamina to hold up any possibility in the weight of that dark, swirling void... the future felt nonexistent, buried beneath my feet like a rotting corpse.

I think about what I would have wanted someone to tell me... in a place where words are so empty I wonder would it even matter? I stop and think... pausing only to feel the pressure building. Body chemistry is a bitch.... how can something so minute govern the entirety of my world? How? But pausing... I sit. I see nothing ahead of me, I feel nothing behind me. The only place I can go is within, where everything that greets me is cloaked in masks of bones, shawls of blood. More emptiness. I am vacant. Pulsing with nothing. Breathing with no breath. My life is stripped of me.

Back to the words... more heaviness weighing down upon my psyche. Can I ever get out? I just want someone to hold me and tell me that it will be okay... no I want to know that it will be okay. I want to know, I need to know...my mind is dying to know! I am clinging to meaning, scouring the decaying earth for it and I cannot make any of it out, I cannot see... the eyes that I could employ so well for so long are withering away and revealing to me all new sets of peepers... Pain, transformation, death. It will be okay. No it won't. Yes it will. I breathe in deep feeling the stuttering dance of my heartbeat. Collapsing in on me. Please, time...move me faster. Move me... please. Something intervene! A shift. A tiny shift, so subtle, so slight, yet it somehow completely rocks my internal makeup. I sense the glimmer... I sense the glimmer of a future me. A me that I could not see before. My mind is dying so that I might fertilize my internal soil for the birth of this new essence... It hurts, but these are the pains of labor, the contractions that are signalling to you something entirely new is about to be spawned within.

I wish I could be there with you, I wish I could show you the way... I know how lonely it is. All I can provide you with is that I too know it well, I survived, and I became a better person for it... I became fuller, laced with an ineffable depth I couldn't have attained otherwise, painted with the energies of contrast I was refined...grinded into something not directly of this earth but bound inside of it nonetheless. This is a shamanic process.. do not let clinical definitions determine its effect on your life, your power lies not in overcoming this but riding it out like a wave... you cannot fight the black ocean of the void inside of you, you can only surrender to it and allow yourself to be transformed. Your greatest hope is release. I am available to talk through PM if you need it, understanding has wonderful healing properties and I will provide you with every ounce of it that I possibly can, you are not alone.

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...madness like sugar
sweetness
still dark
but colored
ravenous ecstasy
in cookies cream


Fri Apr 07, 2017 4:47 pm
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You wrote lately you begun your journey with Lord Satan. Sounds to me He started His infamous tests on you. You have to be strong to go through them. He also made me went though hell and yet I'm still alive but completely changed. I had no idea why He choses to test people the hard way but now I know it's for your own good. I've also been depressed, sad and alone. But it changed me and I truly hope this test period will change you and will make you a new version of you. It will take a while but you'll thank Him later. :devilthumbs:

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Sat Apr 08, 2017 2:36 am
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Vixen, you provide such profound insight. You're words explain so perfectly how I've been feeling. Throw in guilt for my mistakes and then guilt because I have to put my kids through my depression. I have to believe this is a preparation for growth to get through it. It can't be for nothing. Funny story, some time ago I had a demon tell me that I had to get through my guilt. I thought he was crazy. He had to be wrong. I had no real guilt. Little did I realize it was coming. I keep being reminded that this is a blink of an eye in comparison to time. I know they understand time is different for me. I sway back and forth. Eternal hopeful for my future to hopeless even though I know there is always hope.

Sataniel, yes. I only have been working with him since about October. I don't know why He has seeminlgly chose to be with me but I'll accept his guidance and even any pain that goes with it knowing he only wants me to be the best me I can be. I can only trust him in that he knows me better than I know myself. It is obvious to me that this struggle was know to someone long before it was known to me.

Thanks y'all. I know this is far from over but I'll get through and my family will get through. I woke up today and put one foot in front of the other. I'll do the same tomorrow.


Sat Apr 08, 2017 1:36 pm
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So meditating and soul searching kind of suck. You realize things that you just want to shut in a closet. I spoke of the demon that told me he would help me through feelings of guilt, actually his words were that I held a dark secret. I did not at the time, but I did not realize my future was so near. He was exactly right. The one thing I didn't realize is that the guilt is stemmed so internally that allowed me to make such a horrible decision. I have completely closed myself off to love. I refuse to tell you that I stopped loving my children, because I know I never really could, BUT, I have not loved myself and my ability to love has greatly suffered. I told myself I didn't need it. It hurts. People hurt. They will always let you down. I had been on the right track after my divorce, learning to love myself, but not allowing myself to really be loved. It just so happened to be at a time that my oldest was ready to leave the nest. Isn't that we raise our children for? To learn to be independent and strengthen their wings? Instead I internalized and let it hurt me. I closed myself off so I can't be hurt anymore. Not allowing myself the ability to love myself or my children they way we all deserve to be loved. LOVE It is such a scary word. It has the ability to really break you and the ability for you to break others. If you can't trust your children and they can't trust you not to hurt each other, who can you trust? TRUST, another scary word. To put your faith into someone that can debilitate you. How do you trust when you can't trust yourself? How do you love when you don't love yourself? So, regardless of if Lord Rosier has reached out to me, or in my desperation I have unknowing reached out to a Lord I kind of always thought was gross, and just not for me. LOVE!!! Really?? Then to learn that love has so much to do with EVERYTHING. Sure, I guess I take care of myself. I bathe, I eat, I sleep, etc, etc. But then I'm told that I don't love myself enough to REALLY take care of myself. So, that I guess is my first step. It is not enough to brush your teeth before bed, you must cleanse and hydrate your skin. I think I was reminded that I'm not getting any younger and tears are not a friend to the eyes of a woman my age. Well, thanks Lord. (These were not his exact words, but this is how I interpreted them.) There were a lot of brutally honest words said. Basically my vibration has been off putting, on purpose to push people away. I am likeable, but not loveable. I am beautiful but not approachable. (Again, not exact words but my own interpretation.) I will start really working with him, and myself.


Mon Apr 10, 2017 12:24 pm
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You sound like my old me couple years back. When I used to be christian I was thinking loving himself is a sin of pride. And basically, christian dogma is against loving yourself. But when Lord Satan reached me out, I started slowly to appreciate myself and love myself.
To make others love you, you must first start to love yourself. I know it's maybe not easy for someone who never loved himself... but it's worth it. That is the first step of reaching happiness.

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Mon Apr 10, 2017 10:12 pm
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H_Wright wrote:
So meditating and soul searching kind of suck. You realize things that you just want to shut in a closet. I spoke of the demon that told me he would help me through feelings of guilt, actually his words were that I held a dark secret. I did not at the time, but I did not realize my future was so near. He was exactly right. The one thing I didn't realize is that the guilt is stemmed so internally that allowed me to make such a horrible decision. I have completely closed myself off to love. I refuse to tell you that I stopped loving my children, because I know I never really could, BUT, I have not loved myself and my ability to love has greatly suffered. I told myself I didn't need it. It hurts. People hurt. They will always let you down. I had been on the right track after my divorce, learning to love myself, but not allowing myself to really be loved. It just so happened to be at a time that my oldest was ready to leave the nest. Isn't that we raise our children for? To learn to be independent and strengthen their wings? Instead I internalized and let it hurt me. I closed myself off so I can't be hurt anymore. Not allowing myself the ability to love myself or my children they way we all deserve to be loved. LOVE It is such a scary word. It has the ability to really break you and the ability for you to break others. If you can't trust your children and they can't trust you not to hurt each other, who can you trust? TRUST, another scary word. To put your faith into someone that can debilitate you. How do you trust when you can't trust yourself? How do you love when you don't love yourself? So, regardless of if Lord Rosier has reached out to me, or in my desperation I have unknowing reached out to a Lord I kind of always thought was gross, and just not for me. LOVE!!! Really?? Then to learn that love has so much to do with EVERYTHING. Sure, I guess I take care of myself. I bathe, I eat, I sleep, etc, etc. But then I'm told that I don't love myself enough to REALLY take care of myself. So, that I guess is my first step. It is not enough to brush your teeth before bed, you must cleanse and hydrate your skin. I think I was reminded that I'm not getting any younger and tears are not a friend to the eyes of a woman my age. Well, thanks Lord. (These were not his exact words, but this is how I interpreted them.) There were a lot of brutally honest words said. Basically my vibration has been off putting, on purpose to push people away. I am likeable, but not loveable. I am beautiful but not approachable. (Again, not exact words but my own interpretation.) I will start really working with him, and myself.



This was a beautiful statement H_W, I feel like I am peering into the very core of you that feels all of this angst. As others have stated we all go through times like this in life and it sound like you are processing a lot of powerful emotions all at one time.

I think your last few sentences sum this all up beautifully, you have created a safe haven to keep others away. Now to break down those walls so that your beauty and love can be freely given to others, when you give to others they give back to you. Trust is indeed scary but all of us have been hurt and betrayed by someone we love, most often they don't do it on purpose nor realize they are doing it in the first place. The human experience is an interesting thing and full of lesson after lesson, but that is the beauty right? We can choose not to feel, we can choose not to allow others in, we can live in seclusion but what is the joy in that. Without risk there is no reward.

I also know that this is way easier said than done, life and healing isn't a race, take all the time you need, tackle one thing at a time and remember that you do have support, you have friends, you have family. Lean on them. Do things for yourself, it's often the little things that make us so happy.

Okay enough rambling, it's nice to meet you on the forum and I look forward to more chats in the future. Take care of yourself.


Tue Apr 11, 2017 6:25 am
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SINNER of the month

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Thanks to the both of you. DD, it is very difficult for me to let down these walls. I've spent so long fortifying them to this point it seems so daunting to start to chisel it down. If I don't allow myself to feel I don't hurt. When it becomes overwhelming anger is the easiest emotion for me to allow myself, so I just let the anger take over until I get some release and then start back over again with that fortifying. I've just always considered myself happy enough, but then looking back realizing it was impulsive, self-destructive, relationship-destructive, happy for a moment behavior. Nothing that will give me long-term happiness and will almost certainly cause a void in my relationships.

Sataniel, Maybe you have a point. Maybe it is a conditioning of some sorts from the people I've allowed to be a part of my life.


Tue Apr 11, 2017 9:00 am
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@H

I can only imagine how terrible this all is, I am not going to pretend like I have first hand experience because I don't. I have had rough times of course, depressed days yes but never anything like you are describing. What I can say is you are in good company, we are all supportive and there are many people here that have experienced what you are going through and can share with you how they came out on the other side.

Your vibe is very positive, despite how you may be feeling. I have a good feeling about your path and your growth H. Stick with it, write, journal and share on the Forum. We are all here for you.


Tue Apr 11, 2017 11:59 am
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SINNER of the month

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I'm definitely not giving up. I have nowhere to go but up from here. I have no doubt I will and am willing to put in my best efforts. One day that might mean just getting up and getting my work done for the day, the next hopefully it means getting my work done and taking time for me. I'll be using this next couple weeks to do some cleansing and removing my blockages. Up until now I don't think I was ready for healing, but I'm ready now. I'll be taking this time to banish everything that does not add positively to my life. I'll be visiting a friend in the Blue Ridge Reserve in the next couple weeks so I plan on doing some great hiking and herping with the kids hoping to find some of the life that is waking up from brumation. I think we could all use that spring renewal.


Tue Apr 11, 2017 2:55 pm
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